Ruthless Light


Finally I begin where I remember I have been, perhaps always - roving over and over the things people say and do and how things feel once the light comes in. The darkest night before dawn can feel utterly alone. Silent. But silence can be expansive if you let it. And so can darkness because there is a cosmic surge that comes from a lonely pause - when I listen in that moment as it seems I’ve never listened before I can hear : “Step away from this illusion. You have the power to build the fire for you are the maker and the keeper of the flame. You are without limitation, my love. You are divine.”  

US 90 between marfa and alpine texas.

I don’t normally encourage ruthlessness. I prefer mercy and compassion always, in every situation. Almost. Meditating this morning an exception to this rule crept up -  Being ruthless is necessary to battle the crippling woes of humanity. We must ruthlessly re-learn what is expected. Re-learn what is excusable and what warrants us to speak up, of what is accepted, of fear. Be ruthlessly inquisitive - re-learn how to make choices out of love, not fear. This will be our remedy. 

One of my favorite words and modalities is ‘Deconstruction.’ Deconstruction is the coming to terms with something, often by turning something on its side or head - be it the necessity of dying or literature (Jacques Derrida) or heart break, even questions like “how do we feed a hungry person?” We must examine and re-learn what it is to be. Re-learn what words themselves mean to us in a time where language has become chaotic. I encourage you to join me in a ruthless quest for merciful light. Are you ready?? Deconstruct voices of “authority.” Deconstruct the fear that rises up inside as you ponder voicing an idea to solve a problem, deconstruct your quickened pulse as you imagine yourself creating what you’ve drawn out in your notebook over and over, different and yet always the same, deconstruct the naysayers and draw strength from what comes from a pause. (What is it that you want? What makes your pulse race? Why does it keep coming back?) And by all means, deconstruct the societal voices you have assumed as your own that tell you whatever you are doing is not “right.” Go expand outside the lines on your own terms. Re-learn where your lines of comfort and complacency are. Sing “We Are The World” loud as hell in line at the grocery store if you must. Definitely wear turquoise from head to toe. There is no right way, only what is right for you and if you’re clear in your intent and lead with love, your way will allow others to do the same. See yourself, see the eyes of that child who wanted to color the trees blue and the sky red and wear a sword on her back instead of a purse and spend the night with the forrest and tell her “it’s okay.” Tell her she is more than enough. Pause and come to terms with the outside forces that plague your inner peace and learn to tune them out by deconstructing the idea that you ‘should-be’ anything other than exactly who you are. Who you are is beautiful.  

Some light is considered unforgiving and harsh - too much to take. Darkness too can be brutal. What if we saw both light and dark as ruthlessly necessary and valuable. Will you meditate on the possibility of ruthless compassion for yourself? Pause in the possibilities that come from thinking about leading with unyielding, unapologetic compassion for yourself and others. I told you what I hear in the dawn when I pause enough to listen…. I wonder what might you hear? If you are brutally compassionate with doubt and oppression when it fills you heart and mind, what might you feel instead of fear? Be ruthless in love. Be ruthless with voicing your own truth. Be ruthless with the light. 

(thoughts on ruthlessness originally scribbled on november 30, 2013; written in length as seen here on march 22,2017)